Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Sept 5 2006

I am currently in the middle of a mild freak-out. I haven't been taking my meds recently (there is a "reason" for it, but the reason is long, convoluted, and does not make sense by regular non-markira-people standards) and the effects are showing in a major sense. I took the meds this morning, but it takes some time (in days or perhaps weeks) for it to really kick in, so in the meantime I'm in a mild psychostage.

So anyway, I'm trying to get a bunch of things taken care of that have been bothering me for some time. One is getting a refill of my meds. One of the reasons I *haven't* been taking them is a fear/hatred of going to the doctor, and calling to get a refill chances that they might refuse unless I go in for a checkup, which I haven't had for entirely too long. So I finally decided to bite the bullet, so to speak, and schedule the damn appointment. So I did that this morning. I've got an appointment for the 19th. So now I'm going to stress and panic about the appointment every day until then. (Oh, and the nurse practioner that I'm comfortable with doesn't work there anymore, so it's a new person, which is causing more stress.)

Naturally, I've now also scheduled other appointments that would stress and panic me all by themselves, including an appointment to fill out the paperwork for heating assistance (which is the day after I have my physical). And my friend C. has bullied me into going to check out whether I qualify for MaineCare, so at least the cost of doctors' appointments and medications won't be on the list of reasons I don't go.

Plus the day I go for the heating assistance application I also have a dentist's appointment, which is going to be $150 I really don't have right now.

And next week is the school open house, except I think Mark's got a soccer game at the same time (I don't have the game schedule yet, but I know it's Tuesdays and Saturday mornings, and the open house is Tuesday). Open houses panic me, AND going to the games freaks me, so that's a double-freak day, particularly if I have to somehow be at both at the same time.

Our first Brownie meeting is next Thursday. I'm *supposed* to go to a leader's meeting tonight at 6:45, except Mark also has soccer tonight from 5:30-6:30 (and the leader's meeting is about a 20-25 minute drive from soccer) and my parents are not being cooperative about watching the kids because they think I shouldn't go to the leader's meeting because I'm in a freakout and overstressing as it is. Except Patti and I haven't gone to a single meeting yet, and we really need to, and she won't go if *I* don't go.

Oh, not to mention that I can't have my physical if I'm having my period, and it's due next week, but I've been a bit irregular lately, especially if I'm stressed, and so it's possible that I might have to reschedule the appointment if I'm still having my period.

AND I get done making all these appointments, and the phone rings and it's my PASTOR (and I haven't gone to church in probably a month, more guilt) and it's my turn to have the congregation praying for me, so he wanted to meet with me for breakfast or lunch this week to see what's going on and what areas of my life need particular prayer. So I'm meeting him at the Brown Bag on Thursday morning (more PUBLIC stuff).

And I really don't know how much I want to talk to him about where I need specific prayer, because I don't want to become a PROJECT. I don't do well at ALL with asking for help, and I do NOT want to think that there are people who are out there saying "what can we do to help markira?" But I do *need* all the prayer I can get, so I'm thankful the congregation will pray for me on Sunday, but if I tell Pastor Paul what I need prayer FOR, I'm gonna become a project, I know it.

AND my house is a disaster, but I can't seem to focus on any one thing to get it done. It seems like every time I do one thing, I find sixteen more things that need doing, and I'm not handling things well right now. I haven't taken a shower since Saturday because it's been too much for me. I *have* to take one today, because I'm taking Mark to soccer practice tonight (more stress, more stress) and I can't go all gross.

AAANNNNDDD last night, 'cause you know I don't have ENOUGH stuff bugging me, I couldn't sleep last night because every single flaw I have or every mistake I've make or every rejection I've ever had since I swear to goodness JUNIOR HIGH was swamping my head (right down to my first dance, when this guy I liked who didn't like me wanted to dance with my friend who didn't like *him*, so they struck a deal that she'd dance with him if he'd dance with me, and then after he danced with her he refused to dance with me, and I swear if my boy ever does anything like that to a girl I will skin him alive) and is still spinning around in there.

And it goes on and on and on.

I *know* I need to calm down, and breathe, and just get through one thing at a time. But like I said, I'm in a freakout, and that just doesn't seem a possibility right now.

Oh, and Mark THIS MORNING asked me if I had stuff to cover his books with, 'cause he had to have them covered by today, and of course I didn't have anything. (Mom later asked me if I had a roll of kraft paper, which I did at one point but can't find, but then I figured I could use heavy wrapping paper reversed to the brown backing...but of course we didn't come up with that until after Mark was at school.)

OK. I've GOT to settle down. Oh damn. I've got to call Patti and tell her I'm not going to the leader meeting tonight.

NO. Right now I am going to play freecell. (ostrich impersonation commencing.)

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