Emily Post would be horrified

WARNING: RANT ALERT. Proceed at your own risk.

I have been an etiquette freak my entire life. Not to say that I am always perfect, but I do try not to hit the big faux pas in life. My introduction to the tricky maneuvering in the wild world of manners was as a child, at my grandmother's house. She had a very old book of etiquette. I just *loved* reading it. I pored over it for hours at a time, memorizing wording of invitations, and place settings, and where a gentleman should be located when escorting a lady down the street (on the street side, so that if there was splashing from a passing vehicle, he would act as a blockade).

While I am very aware that times have changed, and that many of the rules dealing with proper behavior have relaxed or even changed altogether, there are many things that continue to top my list of pet peeves. I've ranted before about RSVP's, and how people today do not seem to understand what they mean, their purpose, or that really, the rules of responding to an invitation do apply to them, too.

Now enter wedding invitations.

In wedding invitations, it has become custom for a reply card to be provided along with the invitation (postage-paid, even!), so that there really is no excuse not to tell a couple whether to expect your presence at their happy event. [Originally one would have one's own personal stationery, and would immediately handwrite a response accepting or declining an invitation of any sort.]

Anyway. Reply cards. Standard reply cards give a line for the invitee to write their name, a place to check 'accept' or 'decline' and sometimes a line to indicate how many people are coming. This line is in case Mr & Mrs are invited, but only Mr is coming, or if the couple and four kids are invited, but only three total people will attend. Important for the bridal couple to know whom to expect, so that sufficient food, etc. will be available.

Now, knowing who is invited is really easy to tell: the people who are listed on the envelope. ONLY the people who are listed on the envelope. Kids aren't listed? It was not an oversight: they were not invited. One half of a couple on the envelope? The other half is not invited. And unless you see "and guest" written somewhere, the invitation is only for you. No date.

Naturally, I am leading somewhere. Brenda and Brian have been receiving their responses to the wedding invitations. The guest list was very carefully chosen and pared down and gone over and pared down some more. Some people were necessarily cut, even after concern was expressed that they may be upset at not being invited. Even so, there have possibly been more people invited than can be accommodated. (Tent size is still up in the air...pray no rain. The ceremony itself is being held on a schooner, with guest spillover on the dock.) Space is limited and they are planning on a lobster feed at the reception. Both excellent reasons for keeping a tight rein on the number of people attending.

They have thus far received three response cards that have included add-ons. Two were people adding their (older) children; children who were not mentioned on the invitation. (see above: it was not an oversight) One person who received an "and guest" invite (also referred to as a "plus-one") decided that she had an open invitation to bring a crowd: she's bringing three extra people.

People, this is just flat-out rude. R-U-D-E.

It puts Brenda and Brian in a horrible position. They now have to decide whether to let it slide or tell these people that they can't bring their extras. Saying nothing means extra expense for them in terms of food and drink, not to mention that these uninvited guests are taking spaces that could have been used by people who had real meaning to the bridal couple. Other guests who did not have their children or significant other invited may take offense.

Saying something risks an unpleasant response from the invitees. It's uncomfortable for the bridal couple. It is particularly difficult for people who are caring and generous and generally accommodating. They're just very, very nice and would love to be able to have everyone. But they can't. They don't even have the time to be properly horrified and appalled at the rudeness of these people. (Did I mention they're also getting TWO boats ready for season launch a week after the wedding? Including a new boat that needed to be completely overhauled?)

So, knowing that I would be appalled and horrified on their behalf, they told me. They were right. I am very irritated with these guests. (Not irritated enough to overcome my fear of people and offer to make these calls for them, though. Sorry. I'm chicken. I'll rant for you, though!)

PEOPLE. What are you THINKING? What could possibly be passing through your head to assume that you can change the guest list? Without even asking? Seriously, sometimes I just want to take my big, huge, enormously heavy copy of Emily Post's Etiquette and whack offenders over the head. (Big book. 846 pages. 3.5 pounds. Pretty good, but not as good as the original.) I mean, W. T. F?!?!?!?!

OK. Deep breath. Thank you for listening. And now back to your regularly scheduled reading. mk