August 19, 2006

I can't believe how exhausting the thought of writing in this blog has been most of this week. Then again, I can't believe how exhausting *most* things are to me. It takes what feels like a superhuman amount of effort on my part to get started on anything at all, right down to brushing my teeth (which, I just realized, I have not yet done today...however, I *have* taken a shower, and I think I should get bonus points for that).

Part of my disability includes being easily overwhelmed by the simplest of activities. Things like brushing my teeth. Or taking my medication. Or making a meal. Or making my bed. Or getting dressed. Or, many days, getting out of bed at all. Of course, with an 11 year old and a 6.5 year old, I have to do a lot of things that, given the choice (and when they aren't here), I wouldn't expend the energy on.

So the last few days, I've gotten on the computer, come to this page, and then just stared at the blog. Haven't been able to actually *post* a blog entry.

I do that a lot with emails, too. I can't focus the energy to reply. So they sit there, in my inbox, staring at me. Waiting. Multiplying. Eventually I either luck out and get a tiny burst, where I can get some of them taken care of, or I start getting emails with subjects like "Hey, are you there?"

And there is no predictability at all as to when I'm going to get that little burst. I'll tell you, I really don't have it right now. I'd like absolutely nothing more than to crawl back in bed and sleep a couple of hours. Not allowed today, though. Or tomorrow, come to think of it, although I won't have my kids...they'll be with X.

Instead, I'll have *Patti's* kids. In some moment of energy, I somehow agreed to watch her two kids (ages 3 and 6) for five or six hours, the next two Sundays, while I don't have my own kids, for nothing. Well, not for NOTHING. She's going to make me dinner. (Yum!)

Still, I am kicking myself repeatedly for taking the last two Sundays of my summer and allotting them to babysitting. I am in more than desperate need of the recharging that time could give me. Particularly since I didn't get to sleep until 4 this morning (for no particular reason). And awake by 7.

I'm sure it will be fine. I like Patti's kids. And Patti needs my help. So I'll do it. And enjoy the delicious dinner. And try to remember not to do this again. ;)

OK. I know I'm rambling, I'm sure I'm not making much sense, and I don't much like the sense I *am* making. So I'm going to get out of here. And probably go sit on the couch with a book I can't concentrate on.

Later.