More from the X-files

Just as I was thinking how well we were getting along....

X continues to struggle with his relationship with Kira. She keeps having meltdowns with him. This morning, it was over a belt. She came downstairs dressed for school in a pair of jean shorts, a white top with pink shrug, and the belt that came with the shorts, which was red and white. The horror! After being told to go upstairs and take the belt off, there proceeded a fight, and a meltdown, and then X made the critical error.

He told Kira, "You're just like your mother....crazy."

She brought this comment home to me carefully wrapped in mental bubble paper. And after she delivered it to me, I called X.

I explained that while I understood that he might harbor negative feelings towards me, and that was understandable, that it was not acceptable for him to express these to or around the kids. That I have worked my ass off for the last five years to not say anything derogatory about him around the kids. That I would appreciate the same regard. That we seemed to have reached a point where we could work well together with compromise and consideration, and that I hoped it wouldn't backslide. And that it was a pretty negative thing to say about his daughter. (and also that he might want to pick his battles a little better...there were worse things than her going to school in a clashing outfit)

He admitted that he had made the comment, but claimed that it was in anger and not thought out, and that he had apologized to Kira afterwards. I told him that the apology didn't seem to have made it through to Kira, but the comment did: Your mother's crazy. (and so are you...this seemed to be secondary to Kira)

He said he was sorry and that he would try not to do it again. We'll see. To his credit, I was impressed that he a) owned up to the statement and b) offered an apology. Also, he said he made the comment after he went up to Kira's room and saw her huddled into a ball on the floor, sobbing incoherently. I acknowledged to him that it must have been quite a flashback; there were many, many instances where I was in that same position after a screeching, screaming fit with him. (But it's still not okay for him to say what he did.)

We were both calm, rational and mature. I was pretty darned impressed with us, to be honest. Neither one of us lost our temper, and neither one of us said anything snide or negative to the other. This is the first time in five years that we have been able to handle an emotionally charged subject in such an adult way. Halle-freakin-lujah.

I was almost grateful for this incident, as it allowed me to address a topic that has been bothering me for some time; namely, that I knew that he was making negative comments about me around and to the kids. However, I hadn't had a concrete example to bring to him. At least now I have been able to approach him on it, he knows that the kids are hearing and remembering these things, and that they are telling me. Maybe he'll even think about the negative impact this has to be having on his own relationship with the kids. Particularly Kira. She is and always has been very mommy-oriented. Don't talk trash about her momma, she kick yo' ass. mk