Reflections of Nothing: September 2011

Actual opening emails I have gotten from people on the dating website I'm on. Now mind you, this is first-contact, and these are the -entirety- of the email. (spelling/grammar/punctuation as it was in the email)

*if you look up the word gorgeous in the dictionary your pictue is there just sayin

*whats up sexy

*hey hey

*hi (I've gotten this one a whoooole bunch of times)

*Hi, Did you have a good summer?

and the winner so far of the "WTF, Dude, SERIOUSLY, You're Going With That?!" Award is:

*wouldd it be badd if i kiss you alll over nicee and slow then do you reallly goood all night long??you have the cutest cheeks on your face by the wayyo

I just have to shake my head. There is nothing else to do (oh, and blog and poke fun at them). mk

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ok, the 'hey hey' guy liked his line so much that 12 hours later (after NOT receiving a response the first time)...he sent it again. oy.

Ok, so my little town is not exactly a hotbed of dating, and I'm not the most socially forward person you could meet (I know, so surprising). So, occasionally I find myself perusing the dating websites.

My favorite so far has been PlentyOfFish. Mostly because it's completely free. :D It provides all the same benefits of match, but without the hit to your bank account. Now, being the introvert that I am, I like to talk to someone awhile online before I meet up, get to know them a little. When you're paying X amount of dollars to have a membership for a certain amount of time, there can be a little impatience with this idea. It ends up being a drive to 'get your money's worth' by going on as many dates as you can within the amount of time for which you've paid your membership fee.

Which is not to say that pof is not a meat market also. It is. It just has a more laid-back feel; a lazy meat market, maybe. (Wait. That doesn't sound appealing at all. Oh, you know what I mean)

Anyway. So today after several months (wait...seriously...wait...a year? where the hell did -that- time go?) I 'unhid' my profile at pof, updated the photos, and am already weeding through the hits.

As such, I have a few tips for the guys on how to tweak your profile so that it's a bit more appealing.

* SPELL CHECK. Seriously. Take a little time to go over your writing, check for errors, both spelling and grammatical. Know the difference between you're and your. Use a capital on 'I.' Punctuation can be your friend. Take some TIME to show that you care about this profile, it is your first impression and if you can't be bothered to at least make it correct, guess who's moving on?

* PHOTOS. Please, PLEASE do not include any pictures of you with another woman in the shot. I mean, seriously. Even if it's the most amazing picture ever taken of you, if you can't crop the other woman out, don't use it. Speaking of cropping, I don't mean cutting out half of her face but leaving the other portion of her cheek resting on your shoulder and her arm across your chest. (seriously, someone just sent me an email and their profile picture had exactly that. Their MAIN PICTURE.) Also, I don't care if it's just your cousin or your best friend's girlfriend or a celebrity or what. My first image of you is with another woman wrapped all over you. Give up now.

* MORE ON PHOTOS. Be aware of your background. I do not want to see: a stained shower; a pile of dirty dishes; the 1000 trophies you got when you were in high school 25 years ago; cars up on blocks; a pile of various trash behind your house that needs to be hauled away; a dog doing...what -is- that dog doing?; the fact that you apparently have not decorated your apartment/house AT ALL because is that drywall?. Believe me, you are telling me WAY more about yourself than you want to. And yes, again, I have gotten hits from guys who actually have these in their profile pictures. Photos should be cropped, guys, seriously. And if you are capable of holding the camera away from you and taking a picture, then that means you are capable of moving yourself to a place where there is a neutral background. If you are only capable of taking pictures of yourself in a mirror where the background is all trashed, then have a friend take it. Or become friends with the self-timer on your camera and MOVE LOCATION.

* EVEN MORE ON PHOTOS. I know we can have several different photos on our profile to give people a little bit of variety. There's the key: variety. This does not mean I want to see exactly the same expression from exactly the same angle, with maybe a different shirt on. (Seriously. One guy had eight photos that were all the same, except for the shirt. Dude.) Oh, and have -at least- one picture on your profile where you are NOT wearing sunglasses. I want to see eyes. If I see 154 pictures of you and in every one you have sunglasses on, I am going to wonder if you -have- eyes. And I may say something about it.

* The profile...say something. Really. We all -know- you are on the site to meet people. Don't bother to mention that. Don't say 'I can't believe I'm actually doing something as stupid as joining a dating site'...because, hello, so am I and did you just call me stupid? Talk about what you like. Talk about what you want. Make a joke. Say. SOMETHING. Not just "here I am, let's get together and talk." Because then I am relying on the scant info of how tall you are, how much education you have had, whether or not you have or want kids, and the profile photos. (And don't even get me started on the guys who have that little to say on their profiles AND don't even have a photo)

* I know we live in Maine but seriously does every single guy in the state have to say they love the outdoors and then ONLY list outdoor activities that they enjoy? Doesn't anyone ever come inside for any reason?

* Yeah, another on photos: Dude. I do NOT want to see a picture of you lifting weights. I do not CARE if you can dead-lift a cow. And that is NOT a pleasant expression on your face while you are doing it. I also do not then need to see a dozen or so pictures of you with your shirt off assuming various poses to show off your muscles. I get it. You work out. Put your shirt back on.

(I know, that last statement is a bit odd..but really. Someone is so vain that all they want is for you to admire their enormous muscles? pfft. I am so not impressed.)

* Why are you having a picture on your profile of your motorcycle? Without you on it? Do I CARE to date your motorcycle? NO.

* If you have kids, wonderful. Please do not put pictures of yourself with them on your profile. That's creepy. And no, I do not want them going on our first date.

* If YOU are not in good shape, do not REQUIRE that your match be a Barbie doll. In fact, even if you ARE in good shape, don't outright state in your profile that you only want a thin girl. Even if you do. On second thought, yes, say it, because you are obviously a shallow asshole and I hope you hook up with someone who gains a thousand pounds on you.

I'm sure I'll come up with more rants as I go along; I usually do. But that's a good start. :P mk

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Wow, I've already come up with one. When you find someone you like, and send that first message, give her something to work with. 'Hi' is not a good first email. 'Nice pics' is not a lot better and at MOST will get you a reply like, "Thanks." (this was actually an exchange I had today. *grin* I don't make it easy.)

Oh....and if there are awesome pics of you with adorable puppies....yes, that does work (awwwww). Until I look at your other profile pics and see the one where the puppy is all grown up and is standing next to six dead birds laid out on the tailgate of your truck.