23

On our 8th anniversary, we were in the middle of getting divorced. He had been seeing D for months. He still thought I would be interested in fucking him. Anniversary, old time's sake, who knows. I said no, of course. It didn't happen, but the idea that even thought it might...it still repulses me. He said, "You didn't really think when we got married it would last forever, did you?"

I wore an ivory sheath dress, knee-length, with a same-length jacket that went with it. I had gotten it on the clearance rack at JCPenney for $15. It was the only white or ivory dress I could find on a few days' notice. I put my hair up in a French twist, with a barrette that had three oval ivory stones. I wore a circle-pin of blue stones that my mother had gotten for her high school graduation.

That morning I had been at jury duty. The case was for a baby who had allegedly been shaken to death. I didn't feel that there was enough evidence provided. I was the lone holdout. I got yelled at a lot in the jury room. They eventually called a hung jury. 

They let us out early that day, so I went to work for a few hours. The apartment we lived in was in walking distance of the courthouse and my job at the bank. After work, I went home and showered and did my hair and makeup and went out in our backyard that we had decorated with a few streamers and got married.

My father had refused to walk me down the aisle. At my reception, none of my family were speaking to me. They didn't approve of our getting married as quickly as we did, and they weren't shy about showing us. The best man gave a toast and said, "To my best friend...and my new worst enemy." 

My aunt baked my cake, and X decorated it. His mom did semi-professional cake decorating on the side, and had taught him a few things. Our whole wedding was less than $100. I don't remember the name of the justice of the peace who was there. We got his name at City Hall when we applied for our license. 

My parents were there, all three grandparents, my sister, my oldest friend Kim, X's best friend, my aunt, and my cousin's daughter (who was 3, I think, and acted as my flower girl). My aunt and my cousin's daughter happened to be up from Florida visiting my grandparents, so they were only there by chance. His mom & her boyfriend were on a trip out of state, and his dad & stepmom lived in Pennsylvania, so he didn't have any family there.

We had moved the furniture around and had some extra chairs that we had sat out on the lawn for the ceremony and brought them inside into the living room for everyone to sit. We were in an awkward circle and people were talking around us but nobody was talking -to- us.  Eventually everyone left. We walked them outside, and then when we came back in, X picked me up and carried me over the threshold, because I had asked him to.

I hadn't told anyone at work that I was getting married until after I did. I hadn't told the girl who was one of my closest friends at the time. Partly because I had dated her brother several months before and partly because she had introduced me to X because they worked together, and she had tried to get him but he wanted me instead, and she had been pissed.

23 years ago today was my wedding day. I married a man I didn't really love but thought maybe I did, because I wanted a family and love and all of the things that a girl my age wanted. I thought it was the best I could do. 

23 years ago today I changed my name. I was 23.

23 has always been one of my lucky numbers. It's a prime. 

Today doesn't feel very lucky.