Messages from the Universe

I believe that the Universe, in whichever form you choose to see it (God, Karma, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whatever does it for you), sends me messages.

I believe that when I drop the chocolate chip cookie twice on the way from the kitchen to the couch, it's a message that I shouldn't be eating the cookie. (This message I ignored.)

I believe that when you happen to think of a particular song that you haven't heard in 20 years, within 24 hours you will hear this song: on the radio, in the elevator, over the loudspeakers at the supermarket. Somewhere.

I believe that when you figure you're just going to sneak into the store for a quick errand and decide you don't really need to fix your hair or makeup or even shower or change out of sweats, you will run into many people who know you, including at least one old boyfriend or crush. The Universe is telling you to clean yourself up and show some pride, for goodness sake. (This does not work in reverse. If you are looking especially hot, you will not see one person you know. This is the Universe telling you that you should be looking this way all the time, dammit...what, you think you get a reward for that?)

I believe that sometime, somehow the Universe will reward random acts of kindness. This also means I believe that the Universe WILL eventually kick your ass for being a jerk. Don't test that one.

And I believe that yesterday, when I was in an immense amount of emotional pain, when I was struggling to find a reason to continue, when I couldn't keep the tears from rolling down my face, when all I wanted was to beat the crap out of myself or curl up and die, the Universe responded.

• Brenda, knowing nothing of my state of mind, sent me an email and at the end invited me to sail this weekend. Probably the only time for the rest of the sailing season that I would be able to make it work. Sailing, the ocean...one of my favorite places in the world to be and one that restores my soul. With one of my favorite people in the world. Yes, Brenda. Yes.
• I found out through a post of Jenny's that yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day (that alone gave me pause, the timing). Her post, and reading comment after comment from people to let me know that I am -not- alone in fighting the black monster of depression, helped clear the clouds. Thank you, Jenny, for reminding me that "Depression lies."
• On the way in to town to get something for dinner and perhaps treat myself a little to something special, I stopped at my mailbox and there was a package that contained a sterling silver heart necklace that I had forgotten I even signed up for a chance to win, weeks ago.
• Michael, who I ordinarily don't get a chance to speak to on Mondays, was able to talk to me several different times, including one where I could not stop crying. His support, his reminder that I promised him that I would not self-injure any more, his love and understanding and caring, all helped me find my way out of the darkness. I cannot possibly put in words what that meant to me. Michael, I love you.

I truly believe that all of those were messages to me from the Universe. Messages to remind me that I am loved, that there is hope, that I am not alone and that there are things and people in the world worth being here for.

To the Universe, my thanks. mk

Not Just Double-Checking Anymore

I am very often frustrated by the number of times and places that the majority of us have to put up with additional bullshit because of the (hopefully) minority of idiots who have fucked things up.

Two examples, just today:

Example One:

Transferring funds online. I selected the account I want the money taken from, the account I want it to go to, and typed in the dollar amount I want transferred. Clicked "submit."

Got a popup window that said "Are you sure you want to submit this transaction?" (Yes, I'm pretty sure, since I just filled it all out and clicked 'submit,' but I get it that you need to double-check.) Clicked "yes."

Now another page comes up. The first couple of times I did this, I just assumed (yeah yeah, I know about assuming, shut up) that it was the standard "here's a summary of the transaction you just did, print a copy for your records, etc" stuff. But NO! Hidden in amongst the summary is a small button that says "approve."

OK, at this point I have filled out the transaction, submitted, and verified that I did, indeed, want to submit this transaction. Now I have to approve it? Irritated, clicked "approve."

Fucking popup window: "Are you sure you want to approve this transaction?"

At this moment the only thing I am sure of is that I want to punch something. YES YES YES, I want this !#$$^#$%# transaction to happen, would you just DO IT ALREADY????


People. When move my mouse around and type things in to fill out a transaction, please believe that I want to process that transaction. I get that sometimes there's a little finger fumbling and a person might mess up...but that's why you ask ONE TIME if it's correct. Pick one: either a pop-up window that asks if I'm sure I want to do this, OR a summary of transaction that I need to approve. But you do NOT need me to quadruple-check this transaction.  That's excessive and irritating and insulting. Can you imagine them doing that when you go face-to-face at the bank?

*passes teller a withdrawal slip from savings and a deposit slip to checking, all filled out*
Teller: Are you sure you want to transfer this money?
Me: yep
Teller: So you want me to transfer x dollars from your savings to your checking?
Me: yep
Teller: Are you SURE you want me to do this?
Me: *bitchslaps teller*


Example Two:

Went to therapy this morning. Entered one of the registration booths, told the woman there my name, who I was there to see, and the time of my appointment (that last one should have been obvious, but they will ask you if you don't tell them). Next she asked me if any of my information has changed. Now, I am at this building EVERY WEEK. Have been for YEARS. For a couple of those years I was there twice a week . And no matter how many times I tell them "nothing has changed," they will STILL then ask me every time if I am still at (and they say my address out loud), if my phone number is still (again, said out loud), whether my insurance is still (yep, out loud). These are NOT soundproof booths. There is a person on the other side of the partial wall checking in another client. And everyone (including the client) gets to hear my "confidential" information.

Now, I have been at this same address, with this same phone number, for close to fifteen years. I have had the same insurance information for ten years. If something changes, you can bet that I'm going to share this information with people who need to be able to properly bill my insurance so they don't have to stick -me- with the entire bill.

Here's an idea: how about believing me? How about believing that when I say (EVERY WEEK) that "Nothing has changed" that I have the first frigging clue of what "nothing" means? How about believing that I understand that my address, phone number, insurance, emergency contact people, etc would be "something" that had changed, and that if any one of those HAD changed, that I would know, remember, and tell them? How about NOT finding it necessary to ask me a question (has anything changed?), GET an answer (nothing has changed) and then go on to ask me about every bit of information that your computer has that I have just told you is exactly the same as last week, and the week before that, and the week before THAT, and (let's just pretend I did that to cover every week for the last ten years).

I vented this to Brenda awhile back and we were joking that one of these times I'm going to say yes when they ask if anything has changed, and then when they ask me each field, give them exactly the same information that is already in there. Because they seem pretty damn determined that something should change so they can update it.

People. I -know- that you have clients who won't remember or think to tell you if something changes for them. I am not one of those. Neither are the majority of the people I know. ALL of the people I know understand what the word "anything" means and the difference between that and "nothing." Give us a little credit, yeah? Especially if you see (and I KNOW that information is on there) that we have a standing appointment, which means we are NOT new clients, and we know how the check-in process works.

I am curious about the number of times they "catch" an error doing this, vs the number of transactions/check-ins. Like, if they are checking in 400 people a week (conservative estimate), how many times in that week do they say "has anything changed since your last appointment" and the client says no and they continue "are you still living at" and the client responds with "oh yeah! I moved! I completely forgot!" How many times? Is that really a high enough percentage that you need to do that with every person?

Please, please, stop treating us all like complete idiots. Yes, some of us are, and you would have to deal with those anyway, regardless of the number of checks and balances in place. The idiots -will- get through.

Just don't assume I am one of them. mk

The Irony Does Not Escape Me

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. When I went to the International Association for Suicide Prevention   web site (they're the sponsoring organization) to look it up and maybe get some help with the crushing depression I am in right now, I got an error message that said

FORBIDDEN
You don't have permission to access blah blah blah

I am in a frame of mind to take this as a personal message. Slow, deep breath. mk