Monday, January 12, 2009

I haven't even decided yet what I'm going to write in this post

I know, I know, I'm tempting the Gods of Writer's Block. I am opening a blank document without having prepped a topic. This promises to be a totally inane entry, but hey, it's my blog and if I want to fill the whole damn thing with "lalalala" I can. I probably wouldn't, because it would be pretty stupid and I think even I would get bored with the redundancy but the point is I COULD.

I've been doing a lot of running away lately. Not literally, although that would be a really good idea because face it, the body could use a LOT of running to try to rid itself of some of this excess. I did get quite a bit of a workout on Saturday when I played basketball with Mark, Kira, a kid on Mark's team, Brenda, Brian, and my MOTHER. (I am awed that Mom played. She is so freakin' cool.) Anyway, we played mixed three-on-three for the most part (Mom & I were like a tag team, one or the other of us was out on the floor, but rarely both.). I sucked, but had a lot of fun. I played pretty much exclusively defense. I also blatantly fouled, a lot. I was a thug. It was awesome.

Anyway. The running away. Meant figuratively. I've been avoiding a lot of things. I'm avoiding the house, and the overwhelming drudgery of cleaning it. I'm avoiding taking on any of the million different projects that would help the house run more smoothly. I'm avoiding the projects that would make the house more enjoyable. And most importantly, I'm avoiding my own brain, being alone with my own thoughts and trying to figure out just what the hell is going on in my life, how I feel about it, and what to do next.

At some point I need to just suck it up and sit down with myself and probably some blank paper and just figure out where I stand within my own being. Try and settle this whirlwind that I've got going on in my head and determine some concrete steps I can take to improve my situation. Work out some kind of goals. Not resolutions, god no, but just see if I can even figure out what direction I want my life to take, or something I can do. Right now I am doing entirely too much existing and not nearly enough living.

I know there are people out there who have mapped out their entire lives. Many people who have these "five-year plans" and "ten-year plans" and know exactly what they want to do. There is no way I'm going anywhere near any of that crap. At this point, if I had a friggin' five-DAY plan I would be doing pretty good.

I feel so much of the time just like screaming at the top of my lungs, jumping up and down like a child throwing a tantrum and just generally freaking out. I am so frustrated with this stuffed-cotton feeling in my brain whenever I try to figure out what I "should" do or even what I might WANT to do. I get so overwhelmed with the infinite number of choices that I just shut right down. I wish, I wish for someone who could just take care of me for just a little while. Someone who could take over the decision-making and the organizing and the arranging and the caregiving and the fixing and the doing and just take all of this out of my hands and let me just collapse.

Most of the time I'm just fine with being alone, with not having just one more thing to work at and worry about. But sometimes, especially lately, I really really miss just some of the simple things, like being held in someone's arms, being touched gently, being looked at as a woman. I miss holding hands. I miss kissing. I miss secret smiles and private jokes. I miss feeling sheltered and treasured. I miss the excitement of looking forward to seeing someone and knowing that they are just as much looking forward to seeing me. I miss that tingling feeling that starts in the pit of your stomach when you remember a look or a touch. I miss having someone to miss.

It's been over six years since I've been in any relationship, longer since I've had any of the things I just mentioned. It hurts my heart to think about. It saddens me beyond belief to think that I may never have any of that again. Yes, I know it's not likely, but it is possible that I will never have it. That I could very well be an old, old woman, still alone and horribly, horribly lonely.

But most of the time I can avoid thinking about this. I can block it in behind a thick wall, beneath layers and layers and layers of rock and brick. I can push it all away. Bury it deep. Shut it away from the light.

I can run away. mk


The Beast Mom said...

"I am doing entirely too much existing and not nearly enough living."

I liked this line. Just thought I'd repost it on your blog for everyone to read once again. It's just a good line. :)


I'm sorry you're lonely.
It's hard when you don't know what might happen in the future. I have nothing all that helpful to say (as you can tell). I just wanted to say I feel for you and wish things were different. I too suck at resolutions or whatever anyone wants to call them. I vacillate in my thinking about "goals", "ambitions", "PLANS", etc. Forcing life never seems to work anymore for me. It sorta' kinda' used to. But somewhere in my mid twenties, it just stopped working. So I no longer try to force anything. I seem to get the opposite effect when I force anything anymore.

Ok, so that was supremely unhelpful. I'm just talking about me when I started talking about you. I guess I related to something and you made me think about it. ;)

I'm sorry you're lonely.


markira said...


And it did help to hear that you can relate. It makes me feel a little less isolated. Hugs.